Asses, the lot of them

Radio silence was key for me after Tuesday. I needed a solid 24+ hours to reflect on what had just happened. I searched my soul and came up with a good answer that I’m happy with … They’re asses, the lot of them.

This team is a bunch of asses … 

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This team too is a bunch of asses … 

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And these coaches … 

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The outlaws are asses … 

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And this sorry group of TRIste fans too …

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Oh, and the Honduras team is a bunch of asses since they couldn’t win … 

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And, yeah, Panama too because they played just* well enough to tie. Asses, the lot of them!

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PHOTOS: Top shots are from the USA v Mexico World Cup qualifier on Tuesday, Sept. 10 at Columbus, Ohio. The bottom two are from the Honduras v Panama game. Panama came back to tie 2-2, earning one point and bumping Mexico to fifth place in the CONCACAF qualifiers. The top 3 automatically advance and the 4th place team must play against New Zealand for a spot.

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Once upon a time Mexico fans were happy

Do you remember that we used to win? I do.

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It’s OK if you don’t remember

Let’s face it, TRI-istas. It’s been a rough summer. So harsh that I’ve nearly given up trying to keep up with all my commentary. Mainly, I’ve resorted to sharing my foul-mouthed two cents with they guy next to me at the bar, nursing our wounds and our beers together.

PERO BASTA YA!

The pity party must end. We must get our shit together because it’s not over. On Tuesday, with a new coach, el TRI faces its second-leg game against the U.S. This is a movie script waiting to happen — rise from the ashes. Rise, guerreros. RISE.

It has been more than 30 years since Mexico failed to qualify for a World Cup. We are an institution at these events. We are a serious presence, both vocally and physically. We travel for our team. We pack stadiums. We inflict our lovably crude fandom on others. We land like locusts in cities and buy out all merchandise. We keep economies humming.

That means that if we fall short, more than just Mexico fans will be crying into their tequila and singing sappy mariachi songs with the guy next to them at the bar. You all will. 

PHOTOS: Top two are from the London Olympics 2012, where Mexico took home the gold medal; Chuy Corona celebrates during a World Cup qualifying match against Guyana; Julio Gomez during the drama-filled U17 World Cup in 2011; the 2011 Gold Cup winners.

 

There’s good luck in proper Mexican headgear

The Gold Cup quarterfinals will be played out this weekend. On Saturday, Mexico will confront Trinidad & Tobago. This could be a post about what to expect from the game, the key areas of success, possible line-ups and/or the future of  Chepo.

But all that can take a back seat to what is really going to be on everyone’s mind — the ultimate question — What in the world will be going on with Efrain Velarde’s head?

On Sunday, when Mexico played its final group stage game against Martinique, Velarde and an opposing player both got hurt trying to head a ball. It was the Mexican, however, that came away with a blood-gushing wound.

After initial treatment, he looked like this …

Check out that hair!!!

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But, a few minutes later, his bandage came flying off and blood poured out. Take two …

I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

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Velarde’s head wound, if he dresses it at all, will require something much cooler than that. The docs should take inspiration from Julio Gomez, a 2011 FIFA U-17 World Cup player.

Pssst … and they won the cup.

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Wave your flag right, cabron!

Everyone knows flags are part and parcel of soccer games. They’re right up there with jerseys, face paint and the wave (… unless you’re English …).

But god only knows how many freaking Mexicans keep waving the flag backwards??! Too damn many to count. That’s how many. Every TRI game I’ve been to or seen on TV has some idiot jumping up and down shaking/waving the flag the wrong way.

For fracks sake, the team is called el TRI, tricolor. Everyone knows the three colors are green, white and red. NOT red, white and green!

Please, mis mexicanos, quit embarrassing me and your mamas at home. When you spot the cameraman, make sure you’re holding the GREEN WITH RIGHT HAND.

Like so …

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Not, like so …

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PHOTOS: From Thursday’s Gold Cup game between Mexico and Canada. Marco Fabian (10) and fans are celebrating a successful penalty shot.

Chicharito is really a Targaryen

Little Pea Hernandez has the skill to score with most any part of his body. But as this weekend’s contest proved, his new nickname should be Targaryen Hernandez — Targaryen-andez! What???! Shut up! I just crushed it with that!

In the final game of Confederations group stage, Mexico and Japan played for pride. Both went into the third game with zero points and zero chance of advancing. Thanks to great skills and ball movement from the rest of the team (I’m looking at you, Gio!), Chicharito was able to score twice for Mexico. (We’ll just ignore how he failed to convert a penalty and its rebound.) Both those goals were genius headers.

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Chicharito’s head is pure gold. You know who else has a golden head?

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Yep, that jackass. But we all know that he doesn’t make it, and Dani tells us why. Chicharito has survived the molten gold and proved himself a true dragon. Make room. There’s a Targaryen-andez lurking on this world.

For those who want to relive a great Game of Thrones scene from Season 1

PHOTOS: Javier/Chicharito/Targaryen-andez Hernandez scores in Saturday’s 2-1 victory over Japan. And Viserys Targaryen gets crowned.

DIY nails: Better from afar

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A few days ago, I began my journey into DIY nail art.

It was a mess for sure and I realized that I wasn’t cut out for — well, tape cutouts. This time around, I decided that my next move into DIY nail art would be all free-hand. I paint. I draw. I doodle. I’m surely capable of holding a brush.

It doesn’t look that bad, right? From far away, I’m damn proud of myself. But up close, this is still a crazy mess.

What these photos fail to show is the texture of my manicure. Each finger has SO MANY air bubbles that it seems like I tried to give my nails a grainy texture on purpose. How do people get rid of these blasted things? I rolled my polish instead of shaking it. I used quality OPI products. Is it just because there are so many damn layers on my nails?

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It’s 100% possible for Mexico to beat Brazil today

All they have to do is review their history. The last few match-ups between these two teams have been epic battles. Even before the Olympics, in an international friendly, Mexico put the smack down on this team. People argued it was a fluke until the *unthinkable happened — Mexico beat out Brazil for the gold medal last summer.

When: Today, June 19 at 12 p.m. PDT
Watch: ESPN, ESPN3 stream

And if we need a little inspiration to get behind the team, the player and the Chepo, just take a look at what happens when you leave it all out on the field.

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Olympics Day 15 - Men's Football Final - Brazil v Mexico

PHOTOS: All from 2012 Olympic medal game held at Wembley Stadium last August.

Mexico: Now you rise

We failed. Mexico lost to our red-white-and-green brethren in our opening match of the Confederations Cup. It was what it was. Crap. But, at the same time, this might be a good thing. After an amazing 2012, TRI has disappointed this year. We have not dropped a game of worth this year, but that doesn’t mean the team or the fans have been satisfied. Endless draws (and 0-0, to boot) are exhausting.

This may have been the exact amount of “Mira cabrones” that this team needs. Now, dust off the dirt. Put some bleach on those grass stains. And rise again.

Here’s the Rock sharing the wisdom.

You failed yesterday’s team challenge.
In that failure is when steel is forged.
No one gets better when it’s just winning, winning, winning, winning.
You guys know that.
You gotta fail. You gotta get knocked down on your ass like you did yesterday.
NOW, YOU RISE.

VIDEO: From the new reality show The Hero. Not really sure what that show is about, but can’t knock these wise words.

DIY nails gone bad

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Quite some time ago, I had a disastrous experience with my manicure. I wanted to recreate some fancy runway look and it didn’t come out nearly as fresh and fly as I wanted it to. The lesson I took from that was that any attempts at getting “fancy” with my nails would undergo a trial run by me, at home, for free.

Enter, the color-on-color French.

Well, let’s be honest here first. This isn’t a French manicure. I hate French manicures. I see no purpose in having a naked nail with an exaggerated white tip. It’s foolish that people spend extra money to make their nails look like, well, nails. Use a nude. And don’t get me started on the ridiculousness of it on toes! Gross! Toes are not fingers! Why make them look like they are?

Correction: Enter, the pale green/purple color block.
OPI Gargantuan Green Grape/Rumple’s Wiggin’

For as often as I change the color on my nails, this was actually the first time I experimented with “design.” (I use that in quotes because I’ve seen people paint fucking Monets on their nails.) This seemed simple for me. Use one color. Let dry. Tape off ends. Use second color.

My problems came quickly and often. Color everywhere. Smudges. Tape getting stuck to my nail. Nail color coming off with the tape.

Plus, I do my nails like little kids color — totally outside the lines. Get that color all over the place. Then, clean it up once it’s dry and under water.

Not my finest work. But because I invested a good hour out of my day, I’m sticking to the results. I definitely am not imbued with the patience to do this again.

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Air bubble takeover. Correcting the bald spot left from the tape removal.

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Left hand: Crooked lines, still not cleaned up. I’m left-handed, so this never looks good.

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Right hand: The lines are better, but it still looks crappy.

When life imitates CONCACAF

Art imitates life; life imitates art. Nothing new there.

But my life, yesterday, was imitating CONCACAF. Not just any old aspect of the local soccer confederation, I speak of the World Cup qualifying tournament.

Here’s the group standings going into yesterday’s games.

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As you can plainly see, after winning one game a week ago, Mexico leapfrogged out of the trouble zone. There’s a bit of a clusterfrack going on at the top, but at least it’s at the top. Three teams all have 7 points. Panama is closing in with 6, and Honduras and Jamaica are bringing up the rear.

After the games, the board got shuffled a bit. US beat Panama and set itself as the sole leader of the conference. Honduras picked up a few points by beating Jamaica. And Mexico did what it does — it didn’t lose — to Costa Rica. They tied.

So now this is what the most current standings look like.

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And now, my life (which in this instance will be portrayed by my bowling league).

IMG_2160Competition is tight. There are 10 teams and two are tied with 12 points at the top of the leader board. Yours truly, among them (kinda like Mexico). The next three teams have 11 points. And so on …

Going into Tuesday night’s games, there was a strong sense to not mess up (kinda like Mexico).

But, when all was said and done, 14 Dollar Salad came away splitting the difference. We won two games, lost two. So, we tied (kinda like Mexico).

And because other teams were living up to their respective pressures, we fell in the standings (kinda like Mexico).

Not down and out, by any means, but definitely a little further down than anyone would like to be (kinda like … ).

 

PHOTOS: CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying standings on June 7 and June 11. My bowling standings after Week 5.