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Asses, the lot of them

Radio silence was key for me after Tuesday. I needed a solid 24+ hours to reflect on what had just happened. I searched my soul and came up with a good answer that I’m happy with … They’re asses, the lot of them.

This team is a bunch of asses … 


This team too is a bunch of asses … 


And these coaches … 


The outlaws are asses … 

Mexico US Soccer

And this sorry group of TRIste fans too …


Oh, and the Honduras team is a bunch of asses since they couldn’t win … 


And, yeah, Panama too because they played just* well enough to tie. Asses, the lot of them!



PHOTOS: Top shots are from the USA v Mexico World Cup qualifier on Tuesday, Sept. 10 at Columbus, Ohio. The bottom two are from the Honduras v Panama game. Panama came back to tie 2-2, earning one point and bumping Mexico to fifth place in the CONCACAF qualifiers. The top 3 automatically advance and the 4th place team must play against New Zealand for a spot.


When life imitates CONCACAF

Art imitates life; life imitates art. Nothing new there.

But my life, yesterday, was imitating CONCACAF. Not just any old aspect of the local soccer confederation, I speak of the World Cup qualifying tournament.

Here’s the group standings going into yesterday’s games.



As you can plainly see, after winning one game a week ago, Mexico leapfrogged out of the trouble zone. There’s a bit of a clusterfrack going on at the top, but at least it’s at the top. Three teams all have 7 points. Panama is closing in with 6, and Honduras and Jamaica are bringing up the rear.

After the games, the board got shuffled a bit. US beat Panama and set itself as the sole leader of the conference. Honduras picked up a few points by beating Jamaica. And Mexico did what it does — it didn’t lose — to Costa Rica. They tied.

So now this is what the most current standings look like.



And now, my life (which in this instance will be portrayed by my bowling league).

IMG_2160Competition is tight. There are 10 teams and two are tied with 12 points at the top of the leader board. Yours truly, among them (kinda like Mexico). The next three teams have 11 points. And so on …

Going into Tuesday night’s games, there was a strong sense to not mess up (kinda like Mexico).

But, when all was said and done, 14 Dollar Salad came away splitting the difference. We won two games, lost two. So, we tied (kinda like Mexico).

And because other teams were living up to their respective pressures, we fell in the standings (kinda like Mexico).

Not down and out, by any means, but definitely a little further down than anyone would like to be (kinda like … ).


PHOTOS: CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying standings on June 7 and June 11. My bowling standings after Week 5.

Sometimes, there are no words


And sometimes, more words are needed!

No manches, güey

No mames, güey

No chingues, güey

En serio, güey?

No friegues, güey

No puede ser, güey

Que pedo, güey

Se la perdio, güey


Photo from Récord

US soccer missing that love spark


I’ve wondered for some time now why there’s such resistance to a full-bodied embrace of soccer/football in the United States. I think I’m finally able to articulate my hypothesis.


A number of current events stories in recent weeks/months has led me to the conclusion that America will never be as enthusiastic about soccer; never deify their league-leading players; never bring communities/societies to standstills as the rest of the world does until it has the full support of its sex workers. And since prostitution is illegal in the U.S. (save Nevada), it makes logical sense that soccer enthusiasts will remain pocketed throughout the country.

My proof:

  • Nigeria’s women of the night/day/mid-afternoon provided extra incentive by offering a full week of free sex if the men’s national team won the African Cup of Nations. They did.
  • Brazil’s associated sex workers are business savvy women. They’re preparing themselves for Confederations Cup 2013 and World Cup 2014 with free language classes. Must diversify.
  • In Greece, a couple of bordellos have emerged as the main sponsors/saviors for some amateur teams. Never fear; pros to the rescue.

In this light, the Mexican contingent that was sent to the 2011 Copa América was only attempting to maintain positive soccer-prostitute international relations.

Disclaimer: This is neither pro- nor anti- advocacy, just well-observed facts.

PHOTO: Credit REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

Hexagonal resource: Mexico trading cards

Today is the official start to the CONCACAF Hexagonal — the Road to Brazil 2014. The six regional teams are all facing each other over the course of the year in their qualifying run toward the World Cup.

February 6 Matches

Honduras – United States
Panama – Costa Rica
Mexico – Jamaica

Unless you’ve been following every single move the Mexican teams have been making these last few months, today’s game will offer some familiar and newbie faces. Well-known players include CHICHARITO, Giovani DOS SANTOS, Andrés GUARDADO, Maza RODRIGUEZ, Aldo DE NIGRIS, and Carlos SALCIDO. Of course, my boy Chuy CORONA will also be keeping riff raff out of Azteca’s nets.

But the squad that’s playing Jamaica also includes a ton of young blood that has been called up to the main team. There are handful of U23 players who debuted during 2011 Copa America (and some who were suspended during the prostitution robbery mess). Plus, some members were part of the winning squad during the 2011 Pan American Games, and 2012 Toulon Tournament. And, by my count, there are nine Olympic gold medalists. I’m surprised they found room on this roster for Chicharito. What am I saying? There’s always room for Chicharito.

So here are my trading cards for four players. A few I know you’ve seen before and will likely see play today. Some may be brand new information. I’d do more, but who has that kind of time. Perhaps over the course of the games …


Age: 22
Plays for Villareal CF, Spain’s Segunda Division
Mexico: 2012 London Olympics, 2011 Pan American Games, 2011 Copa America


Age: 23
Plays for CF Monterrey, Liga MX
Mexico: 2012 London Olympics, 2011 Pan American Games, 2011 Copa America



Age: 23
Plays for Guadalajara, Liga MX
Mexico: 2012 London Olympics, 2012 Toulon Tournament, 2011 Copa America*



Age: 31
Plays for Tijuana Xoloitzcuincles de Caliente, Liga MX, Apertura champions
Mexico: Played 45 minutes during Jan. 30 friendly against Denmark

Another Mexican superstition

Mexico is a land of great traditions, customs and, yes, a little superstitions. What?! Don’t look at me that way. Evil Eye!

After last night, I’m ready to add a new item to the list — never play international fut (friendly or otherwise) on a Leap Day. You know what? Don’t even play domestic. Take the day off. Pretend it’s not even there, like most other years. There’s nothing special about Feb. 29.

Last night, two Mexican teams played. In two games, both teams lost — by two. In February (2). Let’s go ahead and add the number 2 to the list of bad juju. And maybe our goalies shouldn’t wear all blue either. (See Memo above against Colombia and Liborio Sanchez below flopping around the floor.)

Mini Recaps

Mex 0 – Col 2
Memo failed to get a good hold on the ball, which led to a tap-in goal by Radamel Falcao in the 37th minute. Juan Cuadrado made it 2-0 in the second half. Mexico played hard, but lost steam. They had control of the ball often, but couldn’t convert.

Mex 0 – USA 2
USA went up in the 35th minute with a goal by Juan Agudelo. And the second goal came about a minute later by Mix Diskerud, who set up Agudelo’s goal. This was a friendly between the u-23 teams, leading up to Olympic qualifying play that starts later this month.

PHOTOS: Unlucky blue-clad Mexican goalies Memo Ochoa and Liborio Sanchez.

What’s with all the drama queens?

CONCACAF — in all its iterations and manifestations — is nothing but a teenage drama queen.

Why can’t I just focus on the somewhat mediocre play — highlighted by Mexican brilliance — and be done with it? But nooooo, they just have to throw salt all up in my Gold Cup cheerios.

The 2011 Gold Cup just ended in spectacular fashion this weekend in front of a record 93,420 crowd at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. Yeah, most fans were pro-Mexico. That’s a given. Even if the final had not been between Mexico and the U.S., most of the fans would be pro-Mexico. It’s just the nature of the game, the location, the fans, the chance to be on Univision… The stars and stripes had no chance to cash in on a home-field advange (Drama #1).

But Mexico did make it — unbeaten and as the heavy favorite. Even without five of their original players who earlier tested positive for banned clenbuterol (Drama #2).

Alas, they fell behind (Drama #3). But you know what shuts up a a small USA-rooting minority in the stands? 90,000 fans drowning them out when the opposing team erases any advantage before the end of the first half (Drama #4)…

… Taking the lead in the 50th minute (Drama #5) and running circles around a fallen goalie for the cherry-on-top comeback (Drama #6).

Ok, some of the drama is good. All of it really. That’s what makes these games great fun to watch. That’s why, as a Mexico fan, you don’t leave the stands and try to beat the traffic when your team is down 0-2. That’s why you DVR the game even though you’re watching it from Section 13 of the Rose Bowl.

Enter Drama #7:  Tim Howard calling the mostly Spanish closing ceremony a “fucking disgrace.” Did he ever consider it being just “fucking practical” (See Drama #1)?

That’s it. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not going to get into what Timmy said, what he meant, if it’s right, if it’s racist.

Once you’ve peeled away all this drama, I hope you’ll see that this was an amazing game. Such resolve on both ends of the field.

CONCACAF has been faulted in the past for many things, not least of which that it really only has two dominant teams. The level of competition — looking at you, Cuba… sorry — isn’t that high. So winning the Gold Cup shouldn’t have been that difficult to do for either Mexico or the U.S.

Honestly, what this win is more than anything… is a ticket to the Confederations Cup in Brazil in 2013, a dress rehearsal for the World Cup!

PHOTO: Andres Guardado, Gio dos Santos, Chicharito celebrate during the final ceremony at the Pasadena Rose Bowl (Getty Images)