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Chicharito is really a Targaryen

Little Pea Hernandez has the skill to score with most any part of his body. But as this weekend’s contest proved, his new nickname should be Targaryen Hernandez — Targaryen-andez! What???! Shut up! I just crushed it with that!

In the final game of Confederations group stage, Mexico and Japan played for pride. Both went into the third game with zero points and zero chance of advancing. Thanks to great skills and ball movement from the rest of the team (I’m looking at you, Gio!), Chicharito was able to score twice for Mexico. (We’ll just ignore how he failed to convert a penalty and its rebound.) Both those goals were genius headers.

confederations2013-mexjap-hernandezgoal1

confederations2013-mexjap-hernandezgoal2

Chicharito’s head is pure gold. You know who else has a golden head?

Viserys'_crowning

Yep, that jackass. But we all know that he doesn’t make it, and Dani tells us why. Chicharito has survived the molten gold and proved himself a true dragon. Make room. There’s a Targaryen-andez lurking on this world.

For those who want to relive a great Game of Thrones scene from Season 1

PHOTOS: Javier/Chicharito/Targaryen-andez Hernandez scores in Saturday’s 2-1 victory over Japan. And Viserys Targaryen gets crowned.

Sweet baby Jesus

HATER CAVEAT: Yes, soccer can be a low-scoring game. And yes, even a goal-less 90 minutes can be edge-of-your-seat exciting. If you can’t accept that truth, then I’m sticking Jacob Marley’s ghost on you. You must repent your misguided ways before it’s too late. AHHHH Save yourself.

Today’s Euro Cup match-ups were simultaneous games between Spain and Croatia, and Italy and Ireland. Ireland was already eliminated, but the top 2 teams to move on to quarterfinals were undetermined.

And the scenarios were ridiculous.  Spain could advance and win the group if they beat Croatia, or if they tied 0-0 and Ireland beats Italy or draws; or if Italy beats Ireland and Spain beats Croatia, or if the rain falls a little less gently on the plain, or if the cow that jumped over the moon twists its ankle when it lands…

The point is… Euro Cup tiebreaker rules be crazy.

So there I am biting my nails and gasping at Iker’s infrequent but necessary ninja moves.  And damning time for moving so slowly.  On and ONNNNNNN it drags for 88 minutes.  And then Sweet Baby Jesus!

Jesus Navas, the Spanish sub with a penchant for well tucked-in shirts, gets a wide-open pass from Iniesta.  Jesus put the exclamation mark on the group.  Spain would advance and be group leader.

Jesus is my homeboy here because he scored the goal.  But he’s a baby because he was half a foot from a wide open net (evidence above) and still decided to kick the shit out of it.  Child’s play…

AND because he sucks his thumb to celebrate.

Players get away with everything, especially the ones crazy hot eyes, like see-through White Walker eyes, but cooler.

PHOTOS from today’s matches can be found here, including the thumbsuckah.

Pre-game pep talk: Borrowing from a Lannister

Don’t be scared, boys. It’s only Brazil… and Neymar’s hair.

I’ll give it to you straight. This is not really a “friendly.” It’s  a big effing “frenemy-ly.” Brazil is a great team on a wicked winning streak. But, come on! You’re no bunch of slouches either!!! And listen to that crowd… they scream PUUUUTO for you, not at you. Sure, this isn’t our field, but who’s kidding whom? Dallas?! This is no neutral field?? The people are on your side. Hear them. Feed off them.

So… Man up, uncover yourselves and let Chicharito lead the attack.

Those are brave men knocking on our door. Let’s go kill them!!!

Mexico v. Brazil
Sunday, June 3
3 p.m. ET/12 p.m. PT