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The Tragedy of SPARE-Ta: Act 3

Act 3

Scene 1

(THE ONEDER, TUMULTY, and MERRITT hold a team pow-wow to strategize for the second game.)

THE ONEDER                        Alright, guys. This last game sucked for both of us. We were outright robbed. Our new plan of action is simple and straight-forward: Bowl our averages!

(Turns to give MERRITT a look that should be interpreted as… you’re the reason we lost the first game!!)

TUMULTY                        “Bowl our averages.” Got it.

MERRITT                        Ok, Captain. We’ll follow your lead.

THE ONEDER                        (mumbles to herself) Ugh!

THE INTERNATIONAL            You first.

(THE ONEDER bowls. Nothing special. No strike, but enough to be on track for her average. THE INTERNATIONAL bowls. Hits a strike. TUMULTY bowls… average. OL’ REICHY goes and does far better.)

THE ONEDER                        (to TUMULTY) Wow, it may be time to rethink that strategy.

TUMULTY                        What? Already? We’re barely in the first frame.

(MERRITT bowls shittily.)

THE ONEDER                        Yeah, now!

Scene 2

(Halfway through the second game, each member of WPS has picked up their pace. They’re not that far ahead of their averages, but they’re killing SPARE-TA. It’s not looking that great.)

THE ONEDER                        What are you laughing at?

OL’ REICHY                        Oh, nothing.

THE ONEDER                        I call bullshit. You’re laughing at us.

OL’ REICHY                        No, not at all.

THE ONEDER                        Look, dude. We’re a force to be reckoned with. Maybe my whole team cannot at the moment take you down, but individually, I’ll beat you.

OL’ REICHY                        hahaha I’m not worried about you. I’m more worried about her. (motioning to TUMULTY) That series-high 130 is impressive.

THE ONEDER                        You should be impressed by that! (Points to her name on the Season-High scoresheet for handicap series.)

OL’ REICHY                        Do your best, then.

THE ONEDER                        Challenge accepted.

(OL’ REICHY gets up and picks up a spare. THE ONEDER follows and knocks down nine pins, leaving the No. 10 pin in the far left corner up.)

THE ONEDER                        Don’t worry. That’s my favorite pin.

MERRITT                        It’s true. That’s her favorite.

(THE ONEDER approaches, bowls and misses by yards, miles even.) 

THE ONEDER                        I didn’t like it that much. Next frame… it’s on!

(The competition continues between OL’ REICHY and THE ONEDER, but SPARE-TA is all talk at this point. MERRITT has been flailing the whole game.

At this point, NICOLE comes down with another round of drinks for WPS.)

OL’ REICHY                        (to THE ONEDER) What? What are you thinking about?

THE ONEDER                        My evil genius plan to win.

OL’ REICHY                        Care to share…

THE ONEDER                        Getting you drunk.

OL’ REICHY                        hahaha We’re alcoholics. The more we drink, the better we do. If you want to actually make us play bad, we’ll have to drink, like, 20 whiskey shots.

THE ONEDER                        20?! Sheesh… how many have you had already?

OL’ REICHY                        I dunno. Maybe three.

THE ONEDER                        Look, all I need is for one of you to fall and my money is on HIP CHIMP. I’m sure another shot will bring her down.


Scene 3


THE ONEDER                        We want to order some shots.

NICOLE                        Sure, what do you want?

THE ONEDER                        I guess, whiskey is drink of choice. Let’s see… (She turns around and starts counting four for WPS plus their cheerleader RAINMAKER, one for her and one for TUMULTY. and MERRITT….?)

                                    It’s going to be six whiskey shots and a lemon drop for MERRITT.

            (to MERRITT) That’s what you said, right?

MERRITT                        I didn’t say anything.

THE ONEDER                        OK, then six shots, please.

MERRITT                        (quickly realizing he’s about to lose out on free booze) Wait, HIP CHIMP wanted the lemon drop.

THE ONEDER                        Ok, then. Like I first said… six whiskey shots and a lemon drop. On my tab, please.

TUMULTY                        Whoa… are we really doing this?

THE ONEDER                        Yes, suck it up for the team!

TUMULTY                        Ok, then I’m going to need a Coke chaser.


NICOLE has returned and placed six large whiskey shots on the counter… and a lemon drop.

BRANDIFER                        Oh, what’s going on over here?

THE ONEDER                        War

TUMULTY                        Wait! Where’s my chaser?

THE ONEDER                        Sacriice, woman. This is for our place in the league!

Everyone toasts and drinks.

End of Act 3

PREVIOUSLY ON The Tragedy of Spare-Ta!: A comedy of errors: Act 2

UP NEXT: Game 3, will Spare-Ta! get a win? Will MERRITT survive the night?