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Legit bowler now

Apparently, I’ve been bowling too much for my own good. I’ve started developing a callus on my middle finger. Super sexy, I know.

To nip it in the bud, I began using a skin protector (courtesy of KC) that has the same effect on my finger as a top coat on a pair of nylons. Grossss

I’m now one of those people — the type who shows up to the alley with her own bag, monogrammed ball, shoes, and now … skin protector. Too bad my game is still mediocre and doesn’t live up to the hype or preparation.

photo (32)

photo (31)


The Tragedy of SPARE-Ta: Act 3

Act 3

Scene 1

(THE ONEDER, TUMULTY, and MERRITT hold a team pow-wow to strategize for the second game.)

THE ONEDER                        Alright, guys. This last game sucked for both of us. We were outright robbed. Our new plan of action is simple and straight-forward: Bowl our averages!

(Turns to give MERRITT a look that should be interpreted as… you’re the reason we lost the first game!!)

TUMULTY                        “Bowl our averages.” Got it.

MERRITT                        Ok, Captain. We’ll follow your lead.

THE ONEDER                        (mumbles to herself) Ugh!

THE INTERNATIONAL            You first.

(THE ONEDER bowls. Nothing special. No strike, but enough to be on track for her average. THE INTERNATIONAL bowls. Hits a strike. TUMULTY bowls… average. OL’ REICHY goes and does far better.)

THE ONEDER                        (to TUMULTY) Wow, it may be time to rethink that strategy.

TUMULTY                        What? Already? We’re barely in the first frame.

(MERRITT bowls shittily.)

THE ONEDER                        Yeah, now!

Scene 2

(Halfway through the second game, each member of WPS has picked up their pace. They’re not that far ahead of their averages, but they’re killing SPARE-TA. It’s not looking that great.)

THE ONEDER                        What are you laughing at?

OL’ REICHY                        Oh, nothing.

THE ONEDER                        I call bullshit. You’re laughing at us.

OL’ REICHY                        No, not at all.

THE ONEDER                        Look, dude. We’re a force to be reckoned with. Maybe my whole team cannot at the moment take you down, but individually, I’ll beat you.

OL’ REICHY                        hahaha I’m not worried about you. I’m more worried about her. (motioning to TUMULTY) That series-high 130 is impressive.

THE ONEDER                        You should be impressed by that! (Points to her name on the Season-High scoresheet for handicap series.)

OL’ REICHY                        Do your best, then.

THE ONEDER                        Challenge accepted.

(OL’ REICHY gets up and picks up a spare. THE ONEDER follows and knocks down nine pins, leaving the No. 10 pin in the far left corner up.)

THE ONEDER                        Don’t worry. That’s my favorite pin.

MERRITT                        It’s true. That’s her favorite.

(THE ONEDER approaches, bowls and misses by yards, miles even.) 

THE ONEDER                        I didn’t like it that much. Next frame… it’s on!

(The competition continues between OL’ REICHY and THE ONEDER, but SPARE-TA is all talk at this point. MERRITT has been flailing the whole game.

At this point, NICOLE comes down with another round of drinks for WPS.)

OL’ REICHY                        (to THE ONEDER) What? What are you thinking about?

THE ONEDER                        My evil genius plan to win.

OL’ REICHY                        Care to share…

THE ONEDER                        Getting you drunk.

OL’ REICHY                        hahaha We’re alcoholics. The more we drink, the better we do. If you want to actually make us play bad, we’ll have to drink, like, 20 whiskey shots.

THE ONEDER                        20?! Sheesh… how many have you had already?

OL’ REICHY                        I dunno. Maybe three.

THE ONEDER                        Look, all I need is for one of you to fall and my money is on HIP CHIMP. I’m sure another shot will bring her down.


Scene 3


THE ONEDER                        We want to order some shots.

NICOLE                        Sure, what do you want?

THE ONEDER                        I guess, whiskey is drink of choice. Let’s see… (She turns around and starts counting four for WPS plus their cheerleader RAINMAKER, one for her and one for TUMULTY. and MERRITT….?)

                                    It’s going to be six whiskey shots and a lemon drop for MERRITT.

            (to MERRITT) That’s what you said, right?

MERRITT                        I didn’t say anything.

THE ONEDER                        OK, then six shots, please.

MERRITT                        (quickly realizing he’s about to lose out on free booze) Wait, HIP CHIMP wanted the lemon drop.

THE ONEDER                        Ok, then. Like I first said… six whiskey shots and a lemon drop. On my tab, please.

TUMULTY                        Whoa… are we really doing this?

THE ONEDER                        Yes, suck it up for the team!

TUMULTY                        Ok, then I’m going to need a Coke chaser.


NICOLE has returned and placed six large whiskey shots on the counter… and a lemon drop.

BRANDIFER                        Oh, what’s going on over here?

THE ONEDER                        War

TUMULTY                        Wait! Where’s my chaser?

THE ONEDER                        Sacriice, woman. This is for our place in the league!

Everyone toasts and drinks.

End of Act 3

PREVIOUSLY ON The Tragedy of Spare-Ta!: A comedy of errors: Act 2

UP NEXT: Game 3, will Spare-Ta! get a win? Will MERRITT survive the night?

The Tragedy of SPARE-TA: Act I


Scene 1

(Enter THE ONEDER and E. BAGGESEY. All other characters already present.)

TUMULTY                        Hey, we’re all wearing black tank tops!

E. BAGGESEY                  What? (realizes what she’s wearing) Oh, yeah.

BRANDIFER                    Me too! See I’m wearing it under my shirt (pulls up her bowling shirt to reveal, yes, there is a black tank top on underneath)

THE ONEDER                  (rolls her eyes a little as she realizes the little things that amuse her bowling mates) Ummm… so where’s Nicole?

Scene 2

(THE ONEDER walks over to her lane assignment where she sees MERRITT, HIP CHIMP, OL’ REICHY and THE INTERNATIONAL)

THE ONEDER                  to MERRITT Hey, how’s it going?

MERRITT                           Alright. Did you practice?

THE ONEDER                  Is that always going to be your first question?

MERRITT                           Yeah. So did you?

THE ONEDER                   No, but we did make up the three games from that other week (motioning to TUMULTY who has joined the lanes)

MERRITT                           How did you do?

THE ONEDER                  Not great.

TUMULTY                         But it’s OK. It should bring down our averages. That’ll help against this team (motioning to WPS Pay Roll)

THE ONEDER                  It wasn’t my fault though. Listen up. First, they stuck us in lanes 1 and 2. Those over there (points to the far end of the bowling alley) We’re bowling right against the wall in one lane and then, if that’s not enough, we have gum on the other. Gum!

MERRITT                          Gum?

THE ONEDER                  Yeah, gum! Right in the path. It messed with my walk and got in my head.

MERRITT                           looks at TUMULTY for some clarification

TUMULTY                         (shrugs) Yeah, but at least it’ll bring our averages down.

OL’ REICHY                      (starts laughing) Where’s Nicole?

Scene 3

(All characters are gathered around lane as CHRIS starts dropping the bowling wisdom. He’s standing in an awkwardly balanced position, swinging his arm up and down.)

CHRIS                                I’ve noticed that some of you have terrible form. If you manage to knock anything down, it’s based on pure luck. (Grabs a ball and approaches nearest lane)

Here, let me show you how it’s supposed to look.

{Takes a few steps. Plants foot. Sweeps other foot behind. Swings arm forward. Releases ball and follows through. Bowling ball curves and spins its way down the lane until it knocks down EVERY pin. Applause}

Do you see how I’m standing? I could be here all day. I’m centered and balanced. Some of you are falling over the second you release the ball.

{His ball has returned. He picks it up and repeats the exact same motion as before with exact same results.}

Let’s work on that today.

(Enter Nicole)

OL’ REICHY                       to Nicole… whiskey shots, please.

HIP CHIMP                        A lemon drop

THE INTERNATIONAL            Corona

TUMULTY                           Blue Moon

Chorus of other bowlers makes the requests indistinguishable. People are shouting beer names, brands, and bar food.

NICOLE                                (to herself) I need another cigarette break.


End of Act I

PREVIOUSLY ON The Tragedy of Spare-Ta!: A comedy of errors: Cast of characters

UP NEXT: A cruel realization, a close call and a time of desperation in Act 2